I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
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