her vagina looked like bernie madoff
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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