She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
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