I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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