Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
