Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Randomize