I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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