My liver just broke up with me...
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
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