I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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