if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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