Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
