Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
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