Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
