found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
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