I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Drunk is a universal language darling
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