drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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