It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
Randomize
