My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize
