I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
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