Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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