Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Randomize
