How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
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