he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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