I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
well you can't waste a boner
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
