How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
My day in three words: secret purse cake
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Randomize
