I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
