Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Randomize
