Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
