I painted my nails silver
And what are the implications of that?
Is there supposed to be a msg in that? Just thought ud like to know it looks like I fingerbanged an alien
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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