I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
