i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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