At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
