i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Dear god my vagina.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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