I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
and you said cock pushups were impossible
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Randomize
