My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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