why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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