alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
