I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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