Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
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