The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Randomize
