Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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