a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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