I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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