The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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