They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
