just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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