Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Drunk is not a location!
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize