i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
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