i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize