did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Randomize
