remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
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