you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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